“Give Grace”

As a self-proclaimed “Type A” overachiever; a first born daughter to African parents; and an immigrant in the US and the pressures to succeed that all these bring. I feel like I have had to work three times as hard to attain the level of success that I have in my chosen profession and country.

As I have stepped into leadership roles in my work life and in my community, I found that (and been told that), I am good at seeing the big picture and identifying steps out of crisis situations. People I have had work and personal relationships with have said that I have a way of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel long before others do; and the ability to give others grace and hold space for them while they process the crisis of the moment. I have not always been as kind to myself. 

In 2019, I met Shawntan Howell at a year long leadership institute we both attended. The most striking thing from that experience with Shawntan was her ability to connect with aspects of my life and open me up to the possibility of what giving myself grace would look like. I am reminded every time I think of or connect with Shawntan that as a black woman in America I need to first and foremost ‘give myself grace’. In my interactions with others now, I strive to pass the lesson to others reminding them “to first give themselves grace and always look to give others grace”.

Give grace, reminds me of my favorite quote: “Be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle”.

1. You chose “Take up Space” as your personal motivation that most exemplify you and how you show up for others. Please explain why.

As a white woman, my first thought about the idea of “taking space” as an option for coping with these WTF moments was “I think I need to take less of it”. As I thought more about it, I realized that my privilege has influenced how I show up and take space, and while I am working on taking less in certain situations, I still struggle with taking space in some areas of my life. It’s been a journey that has really shaped who I am and how I show up for myself and others.

2. When did you first notice this quality in yourself?

As an introvert and highly sensitive person, I learned early on that it was best for me to ignore my fears and get loud to get my needs met. There were times this worked, and times where it definitely did not. Now, I am a confident person who has developed (for good or ill) a reputation for giving my (mostly work related) opinions, whether there’s interest or not. I am a fierce advocate, talented public speaker and a leader in my community. At the same time, in personal situations, I get very anxious about bothering other people who may want quiet, worry about leaving too much of a mess in airbnbs (really, excessively clean, look up my reviews) and don’t want to make anyone around me feel uncomfortable.

3. Please share a story that exemplifies this quality in yourself.

I was bossy as a little kid, I felt confident asking others to play by my rules and to lead the stories and plotlines from my imagination- I had some incredible barbie storylines and sagas that went on for months. I can’t pin it down, but I remember the power I felt the first time I presented a project to a class in middle school and overcame my nervousness. It was like leaving my body – I loved the freedom I felt when I spoke from my heart and was heard. I also learned that others were interested in what I had to say. Teachers complimented me and called on me to hear my opinion (there’s the privilege).

4. How do you exhibit this motivation in your daily life?

I had a high school civics teacher who learned he could count on getting me riled up on some controversial topic, in the name of classroom debate. While it was cathartic and reinforcing, even at the age of 16 I realized this could be exploited, and when I- confidently- approached the teacher to tell him it made me uncomfortable to use me to fuel these conversations, he said that he wanted my classmates to hear different perspectives before they went out into the world, that for some this might be the only time they will hear another viewpoint. I was flattered, but that’s when I started taking up space for external, not internal, reward. Ironically, it was during this time that I struggled with an eating disorder, physically trying to quite literally shrink my space in the world.

I have grown a lot since then and cherish my self confidence, and as I become more aware of this power I have, I have learned to use it to support my best interests and to serve others. My self confidence and willingness to put myself out there, whether it’s applying for jobs that I am just barely qualified for and saying yes to being at tables so full of experts it would terrify me if I thought too much about it- has gotten me very far in life. I chose Social Work as my career and ever since I started, I keep seeing how dysfunctional our systems are and how they hold others down. I have realized the incredible amounts of privilege I have- because of my skin color, the way others encouraged me to speak out and invited me to tables- can be used to further the change I hope to see in the world. It has inspired me to take jobs where I can make a bigger, more significant impact on the world and my own community. 

5. How do you encourage others to “Take up Space?”

I am now in the position to open doors and encourage others to go through them. It starts with the obvious- monitoring how much actual space- and air time- I’m taking in any given conversation, even if that means sitting on my hands or biting my tongue to do it. And then becomes more subtle, recognizing the situations in which I can support someone by making or boosting space in those situations where I have more privilege. For example, I regularly find myself at tables with elected officials and other high level, high impact leaders. It’s easy to forget about how much that table matters to those who are not usually in those rooms. I have made it my mission to elevate the voices in the room who may only have one shot to be there. If they have an opinion or idea, I encourage them to take the space by asking open ended questions. “That’s an interesting thought, can you say more?” or “Hey, let’s not blow past that idea, I want to go back to that”. So often these types of rooms can be echo chambers, high powered people wanting to make their opinions heard. Boosting other’s voices can help reorient us to the work, and frankly, brings fresh air into the room, and we end up with a better product. So. While I am still working on taking basic space for myself in every day life, I know that encouraging others to take up the “big” space, which has become second nature for me, can lead to real, transformational change, and that’s my goal.

1. You chose “Do the Work” as your personal motivation that most exemplifies you and how you show up for others. Please explain why.

I chose Do the Work because it strongly connects to my own anti-racism (anti-oppression) journey – a journey that has been nothing short of transformative for me and how I live. 

I believe that white culture cultivates fragility, anxiety, perfectionism, defensiveness, conflict aversion, competition, and a lack of honesty. These are values I carried, somewhat unconsciously, throughout much of my life, and I was even rewarded for them (especially in school and work). I didn’t realize how these values were contributing to my own self-oppression and how miserable they were making me. And I didn’t understand how connected these values are to the systems of oppression that actively harm anyone without structural privilege (BIPOC, women, LGBTQ, disabled, neurodiverse people). 

Dominant culture doesn’t support building anti-oppression skills like courage, directness, honesty, holding multiple truths, growth mindset, tolerating discomfort, relational thinking, going slowly, and rupture/repair. Building new skills is like building weak muscles. It’s hard work. It’s messy, sometimes ugly. It takes a lot of practice. 

But without these skills, I continue to oppress myself and contribute to the systemic oppression of others. Conversely, as I’ve begun to build these skills, I’ve experienced tremendous peace, wholeness, healing, and connection.

Do the Work is a powerful reminder of how LIFE-GIVING and LIBERATING it is to build anti-oppression skills to serve myself and others. It’s always a work in progress, emphasis on the work. And it’s totally worth it.

2. When did you first notice this quality in yourself?

I think I’ve always been someone who will work hard to go after something I believe in, But my current definition of “the work” started emerging in 2019.

3. Please share a story that exemplifies this quality in yourself

In 2018 I started to see white supremacy values become more overt in my child’s school community. I didn’t have many people I could talk to about what I saw and I didn’t know how to speak up to disrupt these values. Moreover, I sometimes felt complicit in the white-dominant culture that embraced these values. It left me feeling triggered, on-edge, and isolated. I knew I needed to find a community that shared my values and learn to speak up. I started a parent-led equity group in our school and people joined. It was terrifying, messy and embarrassing. Some white people in the community stopped interacting with me and my kids. Some people of color called me out for ways I could do better. There were indeed many things I could have done better/differently, but by doing the work I built some of the muscles I needed to be better and do better. And our school community began to build these muscles as well. It was the first time I understood what it felt like to build anti-oppression skills. I wouldn’t have learned how without doing the work.

4. How do you exhibit this motivation in your daily life?

Doing the work often means doing something that’s scary to me. I try to move towards the things that scare me.

5. What has it meant to you personally?

This motivation has meant everything to me personally. My hope is that the work is a way to contribute to generational healing.

6. How do you encourage others to “Do the Work”?

I encourage others to do the work by modeling the work myself and speaking vulnerably about my own imperfections in the work. I also try to disrupt, name, and speak honestly about values of oppression when I see them. I try to invite white people into the work by connecting their values to actions (because white culture also believes that thinking about the work is the same as doing the work, and it’s not.) Lately, my biggest focus is to try things I’m scared I won’t get right and trust that I will be able to do the work to repair and course-correct if/when I get it wrong.

7. Please share an example of when you encouraged this in others and there was a positive outcome.

I now have many relationships with people focused on doing the work. We hold each other accountable and cheer each other on so we can keep developing the skills we need to dismantle oppression in ourselves, our homes, our communities, and our world. The work will never be done. Doing the work is a practice, a way of life, not an arrival point. I can see almost daily how much my own willingness to do the work has influenced people around me. But I feel the biggest impact in myself.

Question #1. You chose “Be of Service” as your personal motivation that most exemplifies you and how you show up for others. Please explain why.

At a certain point in my life I realized I am happiest when I feel useful. This is not just a superficial happiness – it’s a deep sense of contentment and feeling right with the world. The Dalai Lama says “The root of happiness is altruism – the wish to be of service to others.” I believe it’s in my own best interest to do what I can to help others. Over the years I have also come to realize just how privileged I am, and I now view that privilege as a tool which I can use to be of service to others who may have fewer, or different, privileges.

Question #2. When did you first notice this quality in yourself?

Looking back on it, I first started noticing my love of service as a teenager when I had my first paid job working at the public library. While I found school boring, I loved going to work. I put returned books back on their shelves, repaired books that needed mending, and helped people find what they were looking for. It was simple, and yet so satisfying.

Question #3. Please share a story that exemplifies this quality in yourself

A couple of years after college I joined the Peace Corps. I lived in a small village in Cote D’Ivoire (Ivory Coast) for three years.There I worked with the local nurse and teachers on issues in rural health care and education. It was a humbling lesson in the complexity of systemic inequality; I realized how naive I was to think that a young white woman could make a significant impact. However it also taught me about real community partnership, and how progress is made at the speed of trust. Together we were eventually able to accomplish some significant projects, including renovating the local school building, and significantly increasing the number of girls enrolled in school.

Question #4. How do you exhibit this motivation in your daily life?

For close to 25 years I worked as a reporter and producer for Minnesota Public Radio News. There I had the honor and privilege of sharing other people’s stories with the community. Now I’m more interested in how I can empower other people to tell their own stories. This past year I’ve been working with an amazing cohort of young reporters – all women of color – as they covered the trial of Derek Chauvin and other stories involving race and justice in Minnesota. Seeing them take on new challenges, build their confidence, and thrive doing the work has been incredibly gratifying.

Question #5. What has it meant to you personally?

“Being of Service” has meant taking a hard look at my ego. If I want to truly be helpful, I need to remember that I am not the center of attention, nor should I be. In the past, when I saw a project that needed doing, I’d often jump in to do it without thinking about whether I was the right person for the job. Now I’m thinking about how I can use my skills and labor to help others accomplish their goals, and divorce myself from my ego’s need for recognition or applause.

Question #6. How do you encourage others to “Be of Service”?

There’s a parable I love to share with others as a way of thinking about service.
A visitor goes to Hell, where he sees a group of people sitting around a large bowl of soup. They each have spoons with ridiculously long handles, and so they can’t manage to eat, and are spilling the soup everywhere. They are angry and unsatisfied.
Then the same traveler visits Heaven; there he finds another group of people sitting around a large bowl of soup, with the same long-handled spoons. But here, the people are feeding each other, and everyone is nourished and happy.
I truly believe that if we focus on other people’s happiness and wellbeing, it will in turn lead to our own happiness and wellbeing. So what I do for others, I am actually doing for myself.

Question #7. Please share an example of when you encouraged this in others and there was a positive outcome.

I believe the best way to convince others to be of service is by example. Just as other people have shown me how to be better by the way in which they live, I hope some people will see how I live – and how rewarding this way of life is – and will be inspired to live similarly.